UPDATE, 21st January 2024
Never mind, I figured out I really am not cut out for rosters. I would rather build one deep connection than dilute my attention among multiple things. Sorry. 😂
UPDATE, 16th March 2024
Yeah, I am glad I went back to my principles. I already found him when I wrote this article. We're together now. My decision is correct. Hahaha.
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Not sure how to start and end this blog post, nor how to make it flow between the start and end. Not sure what to put as a title either. Please bear with me.
I am not sure how I got into thinking about the concept of loyalty recently, but I think that it has to do with the changes in my life as well.
Wait. When people talk about loyalty in terms of relationship, this normally attaches to the issue of cheating and infidelity. But no, I am not going to talk about those things. Loyalty is such a broad concept — I am going to talk about something else.
Loyalty is definitely a value, which both benefited me and costed me just as much.
In smaller scales, I have been using Samsung phones ever since I was able to buy for myself. I have been listening to Taylor Swift since I discovered here in my elementary days. And for pretty much all my music taste, I have always explored the artists, authors, creators, and the like by starting with something of their creation that I like and then penetrating into their discography, portfolio, etc. which makes me attached to them and the products alike.
And in grander scales, I just realised that I stayed in an eight-year relationship which did not really serve me in the way I needed it to be supported, and I wonder if I stayed merely because of my loyalty. Or just not wanting to give up due to the sunk cost fallacy. But anyway, yeah, I ended it last year.
I have stepped into the dating pool pretty recently, for the first time in my entire life, after believing my whole life that I never have to deal with this universe at all. And since this is a pretty new thing, I am trying to stitch up my personal values with this new environment.
This environment is very uncomfortable and weird, and I really am struggling to fit my values into it. When I love something, I tend to pour myself into it until it no longer serves me, be it a person, a hobby, a concept.
But using this same concept, the first guy I met said that I should not do that — instead, I should keep my options open and meet more people concurrently. At that time, it did not make sense to me (but now it does, but let’s keep in the flow of the story). It had me thinking, “am I the odd one out here if everyone else in the dating world thinks like him?” Probably.
It is very difficult to open up to one person, let alone talk with a lot of people. It also seems like a cultural difference between here and where I came from. Here, people either know exactly what they want (so they drop people like a hat) or know nothing about what they want (so they waste time). From where I came from, it is so built into the concept of “tell me what you want, and I will be that”, i.e. courtship by pursuit/chase.
And in the concept of dating and relationships, I am still confused. I know how loyal I am—but the question is, who do I become loyal to? I am now single and not attached to anyone. I am brewing some good energy sitting in me, and I have no one to outlet it to.
Then it occurred to me, what exactly was the reason I am here in the pool? I swore to myself after I broke up that I can walk the dark and lonely path alone. If I am so strong and independent, why exactly did I get curious at all?
The reason is, I realised that relationship is also an infinity stone that I need in my toolbox. Sure, I am very fine on my own, and nothing beats the freedom I cultivated. I honestly do not “need” a romantic partner now, nor do I “want” one. But, I realised that it is not the men I am after. It is the practice of “putting myself out”, meeting people, starting connections, building relationships (which definitely include friendships), and discovering things about myself and humanity that can only be done through the dating experience, which I am after.
So going back to the concept of loyalty, I realised that I should not be obsessing “who” to pour my loyalty to. The person comes when he comes. It happens when it happens. If I change my visualisation of the love I am brewing, instead of thinking of it as a liquid in a constantly boiling cauldron waiting to be poured into a bowl, I could just actually put it in the freezer and take out portions as I need, with the connections I make.
I can pour my loyalty later to the person who deserves it. But right now, I should not be stressing about it at all. This comes from a lack of understanding of the rules, but definitely I understand it now that this is very unnecessary.
If anything, the only person I should be loyal to is myself.
Sorry, this blog is actually just me doing a hypothetical debate against myself as to rationalise that (finally) deciding to meet multiple people is not a breach of my values on loyalty. I know everyone here is already on board, and it's just me who's really reallyyyyyyy behind the times. Pardon my ignorance. This is quite funny to write.