As a person who always looks at the grand scheme of things, the little things and details are the kryptonite, I guess. Details are very important, yes—but they are really troublesome. Best euphemism is how mosquitoes kill more people than lions do; and how more irritating dust blocking your pores and causing you allergies is, compared to getting slapped.
Moving to a new country is a big challenge. I don’t know why the fuck a person whose basic fear is on security and stability like me did it. So far, it has really been a good experience, and I definitely have no regrets. In the grand scheme of things.
Nonetheless, I recently started to perceive “the changes”.
I know that people change when the move places. I know it definitely happens. But, to actually be in that situation—in that space and playing field where your cells are being reprogrammed in the background—it feels so surreal. My goal in life is to be fully self-aware; so when I started to notice that I am changing, and I have changed, there were many thoughts and emotions within me. And, I didn’t know how to process them—I am still exploring.
The reason I am getting stirred is not because of the great leap of countries itself. It is more of… the little things. The details. The daily run of this currently world I am in. In analogy, in switching your palate from coffee to fruit juice, the “change of drink” is just the big lazy explanation, but what clicks your electric signals are the details—the ingredients, the presence or absence of milk and sugar, the texture of the drink, the volume you can see and how long you estimate to finish the drink, perhaps the temperature of the drink, or even perhaps the type of glassware (cup, mug, cylinder glass, tumbler, etc).
While people associate the mere change in country or culture as the reason for the changes in accent or vocabulary or skin complexion or major opinions, I believe that there are so many little aspects of a person which actually change fundamentally. Even not on the people who tease people—when I tell stories to my friends normally, sometimes I think that they nod and agree with my baby stories just with a vague concept of “because it’s a different country”. It is easy to think about the broad context. But, I guess a person will really understand why the changes happen when he and his very cells experience it himself.
Maybe my favorite would be how I respond to the temperature. I used to live in a tropical country where it is 30 degrees Celsius all year round. So, malls are airconditioned at around 22 degrees, and I shiver in the malls even if there are lots of people in there. But here in a land where it is normally below 10 degrees, my body’s response just adjusted, and 16 degrees is actually bearable without stockings or padded coat (as long as the air is still; the wind is a traitor).
Just how the body’s outlook on temperature changes, other aspects of one’s life also changes granularly. After all, the daily decisions a person makes is based off of the presence or absence of an opportunity, option, or convenience.
It’s just crazy how we often just mention the obvious stuff, whereas the real changes happen at a molecular level. Not really science-y—I just mean that… in our lives, some changes happen subtly, on tiny bits, or in a very slow manner. These are the changes which are very difficult to untangle. They just sit with us for the rest of our lives, or maybe until something else overwrites it, in the same manner it was formed—subtle, gradual, slow.
Not all plot twists in our lives are caused by huge occasions like trauma or winning the lottery. Most of the times, life just molds us daily, chips us off or patches us up layer by layer, millimeter by millimeter.
Yeah, I just wanted to write about the things that happen in the background. Not a lot of people recognise why people change. Dramas just like to throw cliché lines like “You’ve changed” or “What happened to you”. Like, girl, a lot. In a span of how many minutes or years, a lot of things happen in the background, especially when what’s changing is the very environment you operate on.
Over the past few months, I did a lot of things I neve thought I would do in my life. In the pursuit to vebalise my reasons (which I am still exploring), I just woke up one day and spoke to myself, “What changed in me?”
So, I am ending this blog post with a word that I recently noticed became a mannerism now:
“Right.”
