I went out of the house after a week of bad health and unstable mind. Since it has been quite a while, the outside felt even colder than it actually was. And then, I saw these feathers a few steps away.
My first thought was—in this cold weather, will this body stay frozen? Will it decay? I remember in my home country, when an animal dies, its carcass gets flocked by ants, worms and insects in a matter of hours. But here, it is my first time seeing something dead (apart from plants).
I was thinking, if I get hospitalised, who will stay by my side or at least get me a change of clothing? If I fall short of finances, will I beg for coins or go on water diet? How do you actually survive a totally new place alone when your knowledge is not even sufficient to perform basic human tasks? I mean, I hope that I would not get that extremely unlucky, but if in case I was to be extremely unlucky in the future, will I die alone like this dead fellow here?
And, I began to question my decisions.
Actually, I have been warned. Before I did all this flying out shit, I have been warned that I was going to leap across an uncertain hole, that I was going to get sick and confused about a lot of things, that I was going to question my decisions and ask myself if it was worth doing.
And, this is not the fitst time these things happened either. But because of this dead fellow here, it makes me think, “Am I going to die and get mummified here as well? Or will I grow cold, immovable, stoic, opinionless, and one-minded who only focuses on how to survive daily?”
Well, the point of this blog is just to memorialise that these thoughts occurred in 2023. It was not like I pitied the fallen guy or got sentimental over its futile life. It’s just that, the thought of being this helpless with literally just the ground and the wide cold atmosphere surrounding you is something worth imagining.
Rest in peace, mate.